Final Fantasy Friends
by Quistis Chick
Summary: The gang takes over FRIENDS. Will the show ever be the same?


Final Fantasy F.R.I.E.N.D.S.  
By Quisty  
  
(For reference, the cast is as follows: Cloud = Ross, Tifa = Racheal, Aeris = Pheobe, Reno = Joey, Rufus = Chandler, and Elena = Monica. Oh yes, and please excuse my inability to spell!)  
  
{Cloud, Tifa, Aeris, Reno, Rufus, and Elena are sitting on a couch outside a building with a lamp next to it.}  
  
_So no one told you life was gonna be this way!  
  
_  
  
_You're life's a joke, you're broke - hey! GET BACK ON THAT COUCH! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
_{Everyone leaves and Aeris prances around the fountian humming.}  
  
Quisty: Alright, funny! Now GET BACK HERE! The opening credits are not over yet! . . .Allo? Peoples? Aw, just get on with the show.  
  
{It shows the girl's apartment.}  
  
Tifa: Elena! Where's my diet shake? I can't eat anything else or they'll fire me for gaining weight!  
  
Elena: {enters room} Gee, Teef, I don't know. But guess what?  
  
Tifa: What?  
  
Elena: They have a fat free latte' at Centeral Perkiness!  
  
Tifa: Well, gee willikers, let's go to the same coffee house we always go to!  
  
Elena: Great idea!  
  
{With Sephiroth destroyed and the planet safe again, our heroes needed jobs. So they took up acting. But they suck at it. Oh yes, and their script writer, me, hasn't had a decent night's sleep or a cup of coffee in goodness knows how long. And one more thing: Rufus and Aeris popped out of the Lifestream or something, so for our pleasure - or maybe displeasure - they're back!}  
  
Cloud: SIGH!  
  
Director: No no! You actually sigh, you don't say 'sigh'!  
  
Cloud: Oh, right!  
  
Director: Take two!  
  
Cloud: SIGH- er, 'hohummmmmmmmmmmmm'. I wish I didn't say Tifa's name when I was at the alter with Yuffie.  
  
Rufus: You need to get over that.  
  
{The girls come in, Reno trailing behind.}  
  
Tifa: Oh, Cloud, _you're_ here . . .  
  
Cloud: Oh, Tifa, _you're _here . . .  
  
Reno: I have a problem!  
  
Aeris: What is it?  
  
Reno: I haven't had a job in weeks! My last acting job was the infomercial for milk.  
  
Aeris: Oh! With the cow?  
  
Reno: Yeah. So Teef, I need to ask you a favor.  
  
Tifa: Sure, Reno, what is it?  
  
Reno: Can you get me some, um, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . sophisticated! clothes?  
  
Director: {hits head on clipboard repeatedly}  
  
Tifa: Okay! Come to Ralph Lauren at lunch tomarrow.  
  
Aeris: You got a job at Ralph Lauren?! I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO happy!  
  
Tifa: Aeris, I've been working there for a year!  
  
Aeris: What about Bloomingdails?  
  
Tifa: {smacks forehead with palm} I was fired!  
  
Aeris: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . right!  
  
Director: {hits head on camera}  
  
Camera Man: Woa!  
  
Quisty: Problem boss?  
  
Director: CUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
{Cast breaks off stage and hits the buffet line.}  
  
Director: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Do not touch! You gain a pound and I fire you!  
  
Rufus: But we're discustingly frail! Look- {touches Aeris with his pinky}  
  
Aeris: AHHHHHHHHH! {falls over}  
  
Director: Sex sells!  
  
Aeris: Help . . . . . . me . . . . . . can't . . . . stand . . . . need calcium . . . .  
  
Director: Someone give her some Retalin!  
  
Quisty: {takes it out of her purse, and gives one to Aeris}   
  
Aeris: Happy pill . . . .   
  
Quisty: {sets Retalin bottle on buffet table}  
  
Reno: I need food!  
  
Cloud: Please!  
  
Director: NO! Back on set!   
  
All: SIGH!  
  
Director: AHEM!  
  
All: Hohummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!  
  
Director: That's better! Take three!  
  
{Back on set, they take their places.}  
  
Tifa: Well, I need to go! I have a date!  
  
Elena: OOOOOOOOOO! With who?  
  
Cloud: SIGH!  
  
Tifa: His name's Nanaki and this girl at work, Scarlet, says he's a real catch!  
  
Elena: Well, see ya!  
  
Others: Bye!  
  
Cloud: SIGH!  
  
Rufus: Hey, Reno, let's go play Fire Ball!  
  
Reno: OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
{Commercial Break}  
  
Director: CUT!  
  
Cast: WANT FOOD OR NO WORK!  
  
Director: SIGH! Fine, _one _ounce of food each!  
  
Cast: WOO HOO!  
  
{They run to the buffet table and each eat a saltine cracker. Reno accidently knocks the Retalin into Quisty's diet Pepsi.}  
  
Director: Okay, back on the set! Take four!  
  
Tifa: {waiting in a resturant} Hmmm, my date's an hour late. Where could he be?  
  
Hostess: Right this way!  
  
{Red XIII walks up to Tifa's table and sits down.}  
  
Red: Tifa I suppose? Sorry I'm late but I don't have the correct spinal alignment to drive.  
  
Tifa: N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nanaki???????  
  
Red: Yes, pleased to meet you're aquantince. Shall we order?  
  
Tifa: You're a -you're a- a-  
  
Red: Yes, I _am _an executive at work. I'm glad you've noticed me!  
  
Tifa: {gulp!} Um, sure. {looks around to make sure she doesn't see anyone she knows.}  
  
Waitress: May I take your order?  
  
Red: Yes, I'll have the -oh wait, Tifa? Could you open the menu? I have no thumbs.  
  
Tifa: Dahhhhhhhh! Er, sure. {leans over and opens menu.}  
  
Red: Hmmmm, the soup looks good. Chicken noodle, please.  
  
Waitress: And you, mam'?  
  
Tifa: A, well, the salad with Ranch please.  
  
Waitress: Okay then, I'll be right back with your food!  
  
{BACKSTAGE . . .}  
  
Quisty: So, you single like the tabloids say?  
  
Cloud: You read tabloids?  
  
Quisty: NO! Er, just in the checkout line, you know . . .  
  
Cloud: Right . . .   
  
Quisty: Well, are you, are you . . .  
  
Cloud: Am I what?  
  
Quisty: {furrows brow in frustration} Busy on . . . aw geez . . . {wonders why she's being such a fluff chick}  
  
Cloud: Uh, what? {drinks some coffee}  
  
{When he sets the coffee down, it spills on the script.}  
  
Cloud: Oooooops!   
  
Quisty: Oh no!  
  
Director: AHHHHHHHH! Quisty! Write something! The next scenes coming up!  
  
Quisty: Oh no! Right! Um, better get some caffene in my system . . . here we go!  
  
  
  
{BACK ON STAGE . . .}  
  
Tifa: Well, this has been an, interesting night. I'll call you, don't call me!  
  
Red: Oh, I won't! I can't dial the phone with no fingers.  
  
Tifa: Uh, heh heh! Good night!   
  
Red: Good night! See you later!  
  
Tifa: Right . . . {runs inside and collapses on couch.}  
  
Rufus: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOUCH!  
  
Elena: Hey!   
  
Tifa: Oh sorry! Hey, what are you doing here Rufus?  
  
Rufus: I uh, I uh . . .  
  
{Tifa goes to turn the lights on.}  
  
Elena&Rufus: NO! DON'T TURN THE LIGHTS ON!  
  
{'click'}  
  
Tifa: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Elena&Rufus: WE SAID DON'T TURN THE LIGHTS ON!  
  
Tifa: Oh my gawd!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
{Elena and Rufus hide under the blanket and Tifa starts to gag.}  
  
Elena: Well, now she's on to us . . .   
  
Rufus: So know only Cloud doesn't know what's going on?  
  
Tifa: EWWWW! Elena, how could you do that? It's RUFUS for God's sake!  
  
Elena: Well, um, heh heh! Just promise you won't tell Cloud!  
  
Tifa: He's your brother!   
  
Elena: Exactly!  
  
Tifa: Oh . . . . . . nasty!!!!!!!!!!  
  
{Commercial break}  
  
Director: Cut! Perecto!!!!!!!!!! Quisty, how's the script going?  
  
Quisty: La la llllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!  
  
Director: Wha . . .?  
  
Quisty: A . . . . m . . .. o . . .. .s . . . . t . . .D. . . . . o . . . . . n . . . . .e . . . . .   
  
Director: Good! Alright! Places everyone!  
  
{Back On Stage}  
  
Reno: {walks into Tifa's office} Hey Teef!  
  
Tifa: Hi Reno. Hi Reno. Hi.  
  
Reno: Hmmm, you found out about Rufus and Elena, huh?  
  
Tifa: You knew!!!!!!!!!!!???????????  
  
Reno: Oh yeah, but I told Rufus I wouldn't tell anyone.  
  
Tifa: Reno! Not even me??  
  
Reno: Nope, sorry.  
  
Tifa: Ugh! Well, let's do these clothes.  
  
Reno: Hee hee! You said 'do'!  
  
Director: {bashes head on buffet table}  
  
Tifa: Um, yeah.  
  
{They go into the men's section and pick some stuff out. Tifa picks up a purse.}  
  
Reno: Woa woa woa! Uh uh! No no no!  
  
Tifa: What?  
  
Reno: No purse! What is _that_?!  
  
Tifa: It's a man's bag!  
  
Reno: Huh?  
  
Tifa: {picks up a catalog} See? All the male models have them this year.  
  
Reno: But . . . it's a pur-ur-se!  
  
Tifa: Oh, but it makes you look so sophisticated!  
  
Reno: Fine! If it'll help me get a job, then I'll do it!  
  
{At Central Perkiness . . .}  
  
Rufus: Anyone seen Reno latly?  
  
Cloud: SIGH! I wish Yuffie were here. I love her SOOOOOOO much!  
  
Aeris: GET OVER IT!  
  
{Tifa and Reno walk in.}  
  
Tifa: Meet the new and improved Reno!  
  
{Reno walks up to the couch and takes his coat off. He's wearing his Turk outfit and carrying . . . _the BAG_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUM BUM BUM!}  
  
Rufus: {spits cappacino out all over Aeris}  
  
Aeris: Rain rain rain . . . HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
Rufus: WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Reno: What's what?  
  
Cloud: The bag!! SIGH! Yuffie had a purse too . . .   
  
Reno: It's not a purse! It's a Man's Bag. Very sophisticated!  
  
Rufus: Yeah, if you're a girl!  
  
{BACKSTAGE}  
  
Director: Pssst! Quisty, got that script done? We're outta lines!  
  
Quisty: U................h...............Y..........e..........a................h........I........T...........h......i........n.......k.....S......o........H.....e.....e....e....e..e..e.e.e.e.e.e! {hands him a roll of toilet paper with writing on it}  
  
Director: Um, well, whatever works! Cid!  
  
{Cid runs up}  
  
Cid: Wha?  
  
Director: Put the cigarette out and write these on cue cards. Then you and Vincey hold em up.  
  
Vincent: Excuse me. Were you reffereing to me when you said 'Vincy'?  
  
Director: Yeah, Vincy baby!  
  
Vincent: I am sorry, but my name is Vincent. Not Vincy. Not Vince. And I'm not a stage hand. I am here because quite frankly I have no where else to go and I need to keep Barret and Cait Sith from strangling each other.  
  
{A loud bang, several curses, and a womanly scream echo throu the set.}  
  
Vincent: Oh grand. Now they're starting up . . .   
  
Director: Right . . .  
  
{Back on stage, with new cue cards.}  
  
Tifa: Well, Cloud, just because you are a . . . purple elephant???? doesn't mean you are a toad. What???????????  
  
{Cid shrugs and points to Quisty then at cue card.}  
  
Aeris: La la land is so grand ! I wanna live with Peter Pan!  
  
Rufus: {whispers to Tifa} You know what's scary?  
  
Tifa: {whispers back} No, what?  
  
Rufus: That's not on the cue cards!  
  
Aeris: Shhhhhh! Shhhhhhhhh!Walk don't talk! SHHHHH! SHHHHHH! Words scare the birds!  
  
Rufus: Don't be a brontosaurus!  
  
Tifa: What the . . . PIKA PIKA CHUUUUUUUUUUU!  
  
Cloud: Oooooo wimba way ooooo wimba way!  
  
Elena: In the jungle the mighty jungle the Nanaki sleeps to night! Huh?  
  
{Suddenly the roof to the stage busts in and Sephiroth falls in via parachute.}  
  
Rufus: The hell?  
  
Tifa: It's on the cue card.  
  
Sephiroth: Romeo! Oh Romeo! Where for art thou now Romeo? Refuse they father and ignore they name!  
  
Cloud: You're my Juliet! I feel a mad connection with your body!  
  
Reno: OOOH! Shake yer bon bon shake yer bon bon! What's this chick on?  
  
{Quisty blinks several times and passes out}  
  
Aeris: Do you know the muffin man?  
  
Everyone: {singing the final battle song} Ira venhementi! Estuans interius! Ira venhementi! Sephiroth!  
  
Sephiroth: That's not my name!  
  
Tifa: Then what is it?  
  
Sephiroth: Psst psst psst!  
  
Tifa: OH!  
  
Everyone: {second half of song} Veni, veni, venias! Ne me mori facias! Veni, veni, venias! Ne me mori facias! Slim shadie!  
  
Director: HOLY GUACAMOLY!  
  
Sephiroth: My name is huh? My name is what? My name is chika chika chika - Slim Sephy!  
  
Director: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT! Roll credits! Agh!  
  
Cid: Okay . . .  
  
_So no on told you life was gonna . . . what the! AH OH IT HURTS STOP PAIN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
_Tifa: What the?  
  
{electricity goes out}  
  
All: AHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
{Aeris starts crying}  
  
Aeris: I just want to say sorry to Quisty's parents. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!! Ah ah ahaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
{Aeris runs through the darkness, Tifa behind her with a flashlight.}  
  
Aeris: Oh god! TURN THE LIGHTS OFF! ALL OFF! AHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Tifa: Aeris! Stop!  
  
{Tifa trips, and realizes she fell over a pile of rocks . . . }  
  
Tifa: OH NO!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Aeris: AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
{Aeris points at the wall. There'a a bunch of voodoo dolls of the cast with pins in them.}  
  
Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Reno: AH! HELP ME!  
  
Aeris: Reno? Where are you?  
  
{Silence}  
  
Aeris: Reno? Cloud? Tifa? Oh god! NOOOOO!  
  
Rufus: Go away Aeris! Run!  
  
Aeris: Where are you?  
  
Rufus: JUST RUN!!!  
  
Aeris: huh? AHH! NO WAY!  
  
{Hand prints are on the walls everywhere.}  
  
Aeris: OH HO GOD! HELLO?! IS ANYONE HERE?! ARE YOU ALIVE?  
  
Rufus: Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
Aeris: Rufus? Ru- huh?  
  
{She sees Rufus in the corner with his back to her. Then the entire studio black outs. Aeris screams.}  
  
(OOOOKAYYYYYYYYY! Whata you think? Weird? Maybe I really should take some Retalin! Well, email me at QuistisChick@aol.com if you wanna tell me what you think. Buh bye!)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
